The land wide with flowers,
With a need to be ours.
But some are sticks who's
Petals are nothing but tricks.
#NoCommonRose
Loneliness has been a constant, ever-residing pain for me. It's something I struggle to fight.
Thoughts of insignificance are burning into my heart daily. It's a deep and dark place.
* * * * *
It is so easy to get caught up in comparisons and look at what others have. Somehow, we get caught up thinking "the grass is greener on the other side".
We can be jealous with even the non-material things people have. More attention, talent, and affection are some of the more common things I find myself wishing I had.
It's hard not be jealous sometimes.
That is part of where my loneliness comes
from. I get caught up thinking: if I only had a stylish wardrobe, if I only had
their attitude about life, or if I only had someone who cared for me all the
time, life would be better and more people would love me. Thinking that what I
have and how I'm loved are determined by the same source is stupid, but it is a
real struggle.
Trying to blame my loneliness on something I don't have is easy, but it's wrong.
When the feelings of being unlovable creep into my heart I feel utterly alone.
* * * * *
I can hold everything, but my own heart
I keep leaning it onto someone else
But that, my friend, is an awkward weight
that no one wishes to bear.
Heavy heart.
* * * * *
That got deep so let's talk science for a minute. Did you know everything that has matter has a certain rate at which the particles in the object moves? Each object has certain wave frequencies. If another wave has the same frequency as an object, the object starts moving about visibly. (There are videos of wind matching the frequencies of bridges, which are pretty epic. I recommend looking them up after you finish reading this.)
I imagine people are like that too. Our frequencies could be based on personality, experiences, and tendencies. When you find someone with your frequency, you get along well, you bring out the best in the other person, and you encourage each other. There are many people looking for someone to match their frequency, someone to be there through the ups and downs.
Often, I try to think about things I have been blessed with, and, people who do still love me to avoid a night of sobbing ugliness. When I think about the blessings I have, it doesn't make the loneliness go away, but it reminds me of what is really important.
God is love in the
fullest way possible
and we were made
to be loved by Him.
* * * * *
Loving someone fully is hard. I have lately been thinking about what it would be like to be married to somebody: to always come back to them at the end of the day, to not be irritated with their little quirks after the thousandth occurrence, and to see all their flaws and love them regardless. Though these are only a few things required in order to maintain a long-term relationship, I started to wonder if I could love someone through these instances. Then, I looked at my life and realized that there are things I do that I don't like about myself.
I have habits that I do that annoy myself. I struggle to be proud of myself when am aware of how flawed I am. I am messy.
"To love others you have to first love yourself," is a common phrase I have never understood until recently. It is important to see value in your own life before you can see true and all-encompassing value in someone else.
I do not always like myself and the actions I choose to take. Sometimes it is the regret and weight of my bad choices that bring me further into depression and self-pity because I buy into the false idea that I need to be perfect to be loved.
I have now realized if I can't find a way to love who I am even with these quirks, how am I supposed to love someone else with similar quirks?
* * * * *
Self-improvement can be difficult, especially when someone else is doing a better job at the task you have set for yourself. However, lately I have learned that the grass is greener where you water it.
There is a native american legend that speaks to this effect:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It's a terrible fight between two wolves.
One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, pride and resentment."
He continued, "The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility,
kindness, benevolence, truth, compassion, and faith.'
'The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."
(Reference: http://www.virtuesforlife.com/two-wolves/)
I like this analogy because it reflects how we struggle with the two sides to our nature. One side is the flesh and sinful side, the other is the side made in the image of God, meant to glorify Him by our actions. It is very important to make sure that you encourage your good choices, and work to eliminate your bad choices. I know it is a long, hard, tedious and, sometimes, never-ending process. There are many things I need to work on with myself, but we all must realize that God loves us through the times when we give into our sinful side. (True, He hates the impurity of sin and there are repercussions of our actions, but He is a Holy and caring God who loves us on an incomprehensible level.)
* * * * *
To give you a small peek into why you are so treasured by God, realize that you are special and do not have to be like someone else to be invaluable. Have you ever thought about the fact that you are the only one with your exact experiences? Your point of view on the world is different than anyone else's. Though we may live through similar situations, we are all unique. Dr Seuss says, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There's no one alive who is you-er than you!"
With the variety of identification options we have today, it is important to be genuine and to find your identity in Christ because He is the only being who sees us for who we genuinely are.
I know many people say,
"Find your identity in Christ." But what does that look like?
I've found that to be like God is to love others, because God is
love. God loves you. He loves the you that you are right now! But He
also wants you to show others the same kind of love He has shown us.
Let's consider the flowers. There are many types of flowers in the world: roses, carnations, daisies, lilies, etc... Many individual buds world-wide within those types, even. I assure you that no one flower is identical, just like people. What a good thing, too! How boring would it be to see everyone with the exact same outfits? Also, if everyone enjoyed turtle tracks ice cream, there would be less of it for the world. (Let's not let that happen.) At the end of it all, be you and be the best you possible.
If you fall into the trap of
comparison or into the pit of despair like I find myself in often, realize in the end it will be okay as long as
you constantly remember you are unconditionally loved, that you are created
for a purpose, and that you can continue to grow from this muck, because:
