My Mr.Darcy

     Two years ago, I was in love with a Mr. Darcy.  Thoughts of him consumed close to every inch of my mind. Anywhere I went, no matter who I was with or what I was doing, there were few times I could successfully draw my focus away from my "Fitzwilliam Darcy".  Everything pointed back to this mysterious and handsome individual in my life. I had my own idea of who he was. I pictured him as the ideal of what I thought my other half would be.  Regardless of the fact that I saw him practically every day, I never really got to know him well.  From what I knew, he was attractive, mysterious, smart, and, could make me laugh (which is a skill I appreciate).  He would be silent when I felt he should say something, though part of the time, looking back, it was an act of wisdom.  He also had his own way of doing things sometimes.  There are many occasions I would have called him "insufferable," but then he'd hold the door for me, or preform some flattering gesture, that showed a caring side to him.  Looking back, he was a Mr. Darcy to me.

Now what is the problem? Haven't most girls dreamed of knowing their own Mr. Darcy? Shouldn't I be thankful?

    Well, yes. To a point I am thankful, but not because he behaved like Mr. Darcy to me.  No, he never confessed his love to me, nor did we ever share a significant dance.  I was "in-love" with who I saw him as. He was Mr. Darcy to me. There was only one problem.

I am not, nor ever have been an "Elizabeth".

      Not many girls are, though. If you think, one out of five of the Bennet girls married a Mr. Darcy. If that statistic is applied to today's women, then there are many who will not marry their Mr. Darcy.  Regardless, my Darcy found an "Elizabeth" to pursue.  It was literally painful some days to watch him watch her from a distance, because it was obvious to me that he was in love, just not with me.  I knew I couldn't blame my Mr. Darcy for falling in love with his Elizabeth in any way. They deserve to be together and I wish the best for their relationship (though it has taken me a long time to be content saying so).
      I have come to decide it is within each person's unspoken rights to have the choice to not return the affections of an admirer without being called cruel names.
      I can't blame him for not finding me to be his other half and I can't call him a jerk (or any other term) for pursuing his Elizabeth. Oh, the rejection hurt on a deep level. It hurt me because I didn't feel worthy, I didn't feel important, and I certainly did not feel confident. I have always struggled with self-confidence and frequently fall into the repeating cyclone of self-pity.  For over a year, I fought with myself, my thoughts of him, and the feeling insignificance.  I was tired of it.

      Because of my Christian background and current faith, I searched bible verses for encouragement such as: James 4:8, Psalm 46, and Proverbs 3:5-6. All helped, momentarily, then I would retreat into my depression. One day, I was considering how God had worked His plan in an area of my life much better than I or anyone else I knew could, and I realized that I had not given this anguish I was feeling to The Almighty God (who made the rims of the universe to the tiniest detail within, by the way). So, I started praying that these desires I had for a romantic relationship with "Mr. Darcy" would disappear, that I would be content to be single, and that I would not contain any lingering angst in my heart toward my future marital relationship. It was not a sudden change in any portion, but slowly, I have discovered that I no longer am tied by the ropes of unrequited love.

      I have accepted that I was not the lady he was searching for, and, have become pleased for the lovely lady he did choose.
      He was my Mr. Darcy, but I am not Elizabeth. The process for accepting that he didn't "love" me back was long and hard. Even now I am left with waves of loneliness, but there is hope, for there will always be hope.  My hope is that God loves me no matter who decides not to.

      To all the non-Elizabeths out there: Don't give up hope, because you are loved with the deepest and most intricate love by The Creator.
       For now, I will stay content to be without emotional connection to my former "Mr. Darcy", focusing on self-growth and serving others.  One day, if The Lord wills, there will be a gentleman who loves me for not being an Elizabeth, but for being who I am meant to be.  I pray the same for all my female readers. Love ya!