Pictures of Rose Flowers

As you may have noticed, this is not a regular post. I just wanted to take a break from writing and show my readers some of the pictures I've taken. Also, I don't have any of my many projects publishing-ready yet. Yes, most of the pictures below are rose flowers (thanks to the last post I wrote). You may recognize some images from other spots on my website. I thought it was time to present them properly for once. Enjoy!

Resplendent Rose

One Among Millions

Stiff Dragon Guard

Unique

Wrinkles in the Wake (of Memory)

(The hand in this one is my Grandfather's.)

That concludes it for this month. Shout out to Gibbs Gardens for letting the public view and photograph their landscape. Thanks for reading! 

Lonely & Loved #NoCommonRose

The land wide with flowers,
With a need to be ours.
But some are sticks who's
Petals are nothing but tricks.

#NoCommonRose

Loneliness has been a constant, ever-residing pain for me. It's something I struggle to fight.

Thoughts of insignificance are burning into my heart daily. It's a deep and dark place.

*    *     *    *    *

It is so easy to get caught up in comparisons and look at what others have.  Somehow, we get caught up thinking "the grass is greener on the other side". 

We can be jealous with even the non-material things people have. More attention, talent, and affection are some of the more common things I find myself wishing I had.

It's hard not be jealous sometimes. 

That is part of where my loneliness comes from. I get caught up thinking: if I only had a stylish wardrobe, if I only had their attitude about life, or if I only had someone who cared for me all the time, life would be better and more people would love me. Thinking that what I have and how I'm loved are determined by the same source is stupid, but it is a real struggle. 

Trying to blame my loneliness on something I don't have is easy, but it's wrong.

When the feelings of being unlovable creep into my heart I feel utterly alone.

*    *    *    *    *

I can hold everything, but my own heart

I keep leaning it onto someone else

But that, my friend, is an awkward weight 

that no one wishes to bear.

Heavy heart.

*    *    *    *    *

That got deep so let's talk science for a minute. Did you know everything that has matter has a certain rate at which the particles in the object moves? Each object has certain wave frequencies.  If another wave has the same frequency as an object, the object starts moving about visibly. (There are videos of wind matching the frequencies of bridges, which are pretty epic. I recommend looking them up after you finish reading this.)
I imagine people are like that too. Our frequencies could be based on personality, experiences, and tendencies.  When you find someone with your frequency, you get along well, you bring out the best in the other person, and you encourage each other.  There are many people looking for someone to match their frequency, someone to be there through the ups and downs. 

Often, I try to think about things I have been blessed with, and, people who do still love me to avoid a night of sobbing ugliness. When I think about the blessings I have, it doesn't make the loneliness go away, but it reminds me of what is really important.

God is love in the 

fullest way possible

and we were made 

to be loved by Him.

*   *   *   *   *

Loving someone fully is hard. I have lately been thinking about what it would be like to be married to somebody: to always come back to them at the end of the day, to not be irritated with their little quirks after the thousandth occurrence, and to see all their flaws and love them regardless. Though these are only a few things required in order to maintain a long-term relationship, I started to wonder if I could love someone through these instances. Then, I looked at my life and realized that there are things I do that I don't like about myself. 
I have habits that I do that annoy myself. I struggle to be proud of myself when am aware of how flawed I am. I am messy.
"To love others you have to first love yourself," is a common phrase I have never understood until recently.  It is important to see value in your own life before you can see true and all-encompassing value in someone else.

I do not always like myself and the actions I choose to take. Sometimes it is the regret and weight of my bad choices that bring me further into depression and self-pity because I buy into the false idea that I need to be perfect to be loved.  

I have now realized if I can't find a way to love who I am even with these quirks, how am I supposed to love someone else with similar quirks? 

*    *    *    *    *

Self-improvement can be difficult, especially when someone else is doing a better job at the task you have set for yourself.  However, lately I have learned that the grass is greener where you water it. 

There is a native american legend that speaks to this effect: 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. 

"It's a terrible fight between two wolves. 

One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, 

self-pity, guilt, pride and resentment."
He continued, "The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, 
kindness, benevolence, truth, compassion, and faith.' 

'The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person, too." 
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 

"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, 

"The one you feed."

(Reference: http://www.virtuesforlife.com/two-wolves/)

I like this analogy because it reflects how we struggle with the two sides to our nature. One side is the flesh and sinful side, the other is the side made in the image of God, meant to glorify Him by our actions. It is very important to make sure that you encourage your good choices, and work to eliminate your bad choices. I know it is a long, hard, tedious and, sometimes, never-ending process. There are many things I need to work on with myself, but we all must realize that God loves us through the times when we give into our sinful side. (True, He hates the impurity of sin and there are repercussions of our actions, but He is a Holy and caring God who loves us on an incomprehensible level.)

*    *    *    *    *

To give you a small peek into why you are so treasured by God, realize that you are special and do not have to be like someone else to be invaluable. Have you ever thought about the fact that you are the only one with your exact experiences?  Your point of view on the world is different than anyone else's. Though we may live through similar situations, we are all unique. Dr Seuss says, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There's no one alive who is you-er than you!"

With the variety of identification options we have today, it is important to be genuine and to find your identity in Christ because He is the only being who sees us for who we genuinely are.

I know many people say, "Find your identity in Christ." But what does that look like?  I've found that to be like God is to love others, because God is love. God loves you. He loves the you that you are right now!  But He also wants you to show others the same kind of love He has shown us. 

Let's consider the flowers. There are many types of flowers in the world: roses, carnations, daisies, lilies, etc... Many individual buds world-wide within those types, even.  I assure you that no one flower is identical, just like people. What a good thing, too! How boring would it be to see everyone with the exact same outfits? Also, if everyone enjoyed turtle tracks ice cream, there would be less of it for the world. (Let's not let that happen.) At the end of it all, be you and be the best you possible.

If you fall into the trap of comparison or into the pit of despair like I find myself in often, realize in the end it will be okay as long as you constantly remember you are unconditionally loved, that you are created for a purpose, and that you can continue to grow from this muck, because:

You are no common rose!

Author in the Woods

Here beside the ongoing babble of the brook,

Beneath the bridge that reminds me of falling leaves

Both a beautiful red, yet also decaying,

I wrote a verse, a poem, if you will.

It flowed like the stream I could feel tickling my toes,

With words as piercing to the soul as a bird's call to the ear.

Upon this creek-side rock I sat with pen upon paper,

A slight drizzle like the falling of snow.

It was a perfect fit to the mellowness of the mood.

Mountain People & Contra

   People of the mountains are among some of my favorite to watch, especially when they are dancing. Swirling on the dance floor is a strange combination of somber attitudes and energetic movements.

  Each have an unspoken unity of pride in the mountains, which belong to no man, yet claimed by all.

  Mountain women seem stern and firm, but when they swivel between the seemingly unorganized patterns of people, to the listening eye, there can be spotted a hidden joy revealed in the corners of her eyes. The prettiest thing to see is the long handmade skirts bearing earthy designs that tickle to life at the edge of a twirl.
  Time-worn, wrinkly fingers, that look fragile and frail yet feel strong and rough, grasp five tender fingers to allemande left. The kind of fingers that have seen not yet half of the years the prior had.
  On stage, the fiddle, the dulcimer, and banjo play a tone that these mountain folk have accepted as their own second heart beat. The mumble of the caller causing occasional rhythmic interruptions to the sounds of the mountain people stomping in long lines. A holler goes up as these people march back and forth. It sings of freedom, joy, and, pride.
  Everyone finishes the song with one last spinning of their partners only to applaud the musicians  for the gift of one last dance before the long, hard day of work begins again.

  It is clear to me these mountain people love their folk.

Shattered

There once was a girl as normal as you and I,
She studied and thought and played all with heart.
She looked up from her studies one day and exclaimed,
"Why haven't I seen you before? and from where have you come?
He looked at her and said, "Nowhere and no matter," with the cutest of smiles.
"But come with me now to a world full of windows and castles."
With a twinkle in his deep, wonderful eyes he reached for her hand.

Right then she sighed.

She was startled, not by touch nor by embrace,
But only the memory held in its place.
She sighed once again and put down her books,
Then stared out the window with the most longing of looks.
She saw the usual: trees and such
Then she saw an old couple, the man on a crutch.
They laughed and talked along their stroll.
To find a friend like that would surely be luck.
There's still time she thought as she pulled back her books.

Turning up the music, she laughed
Why do I worry? Why do I care?
If I am who I am, then there is nothing to fear.
What, then, is this we girls put ourselves through?
Is it not better to wait for the day before its coming?
Not to dream about him, nor dream about that,
But rather be thankful that nothing, save dreams, have shattered.


*This is a poem I wrote a couple years ago. Today I found, edited, and have (obviously) published it. I don't normally like to describe my poems, but this one begs for it. I wrote it after I realized my high school crush didn't like me back, the reality I had built up in my own mind was a fairy tale, and, that I wanted a longer-lasting relationship that that one could ever have grown into. For now, I am content to grow in my Christ-centered identity and wait for The Master of the Universe to carry out my life, whichever path that might be. Also, I am currently working on a non-love story piece (for a change, Ha!), so be on the lookout later on this month!

Love Me Not

I think to myself how stupid to stay in my room when there's great potential for a beautiful and budding relationship with the strangers I passed daily. Reality hits then and cuts like a knife: my selfish pride, my failures and faults. That time when I was running my lip and couldn't catch it in time to keep from tripping on all these awkward words as they stumble out.

 I am clumsy, I am dull, but worst of all I am a girl.

 A girl needs someone to depend on, a friend to stand beside who's not afraid to catch her too.  A girl needs someone spontaneous in her life who will surprise her with small gifts of kindness or a hug from behind. A girl needs someone to see beyond her fears and love her as she is. A girl needs a place to direct her passion, the kind that fits best in a heart.

What a blasted curse it is to be a girl when you're alone.

An Old Cabin

Upon this spot I rest.
I think a bird has built a nest.
My deck holds much wear
though my floors are quite bare.

My wooden walls with much decay
have seen faces of dismay.
Joy and happiness too, I've seen,
Pensive persons and perhaps some mean.

If years were pennies, I'd have two dollars,
but that don't make sense here in these hollers.
Pull up a chair and rock for a spell
and note the sillage of memories.

A Tree Grows

As the light hits the tips of leaves,
Red, as crimson blood, spilled
The stories held in this field
Of lives lost in fighting.

A gun was fired.

Two hearts sink low as
A determined soldier falls.
A sacrifice of hearts that never lost hope,
That's where this tree grows.

When I Grow Up

As a young girl, I wanted to be a princess. With an elaborate tiara and pink, dainty slippers. To have the gowns and shoes, with daily talks over tea and sweets.
Yes, that is what I first wanted. Then I thought to be stuck in a tower with some impulsive prince to come rescue me from a time where I am free of responsibility, would be no pleasure. Because the world is not as nice as my little tower would've been.
 For a while, I thought it might be fun to be a powerful dragon spewing careless flame not giving way to the emotions that came. I knew what it was like to be hurt, because I had waited for forever and a day for a prince to come rescue me. Many princes did walk by, but they never noticed me in my tall tower.  Now, inhaling a breath of wind, to exhale a combustion of memories, reeking of seclusion and havoc, I had no care for the fate of princes.
After a time, I wished to nevermore be that monster, so, I became a dragon reduced to the qualities of a lizard. A lizard that had scales like a fish. Part scales and part lady, swimming in an ocean of gaiety, I dreamed of the caves as a secret between the waves.  A mermaid was I, and I had no Flounder. I was alone and the world was full of hurt. So I came up and walked on dirt.
I grew up some and became a young adult, and I wanted to be a hero. To save the day and fly away, defeating the strife of this world and saving those around me. Though I tried on a cape, my feats never amounted to great. My feet would never separate against the pull of the world, the pull of responsibilities that came with growing old.  I moved from town to town, but still I was ground-bound. Forever the air I breathe: the life I lead, my own version of kryptonite.

I grew up and stayed up late, making for sleepless nights. Working hard, I had no strength left to try on my super-suit. Soon I said: I just want to never grow up. Because growing up means making the hard choice, being brave, being bold, and so much more. I didn't want to be old.
I wanted to be a princess full of pert, a dragon free from hurt, a mermaid on dirt, a hero wearing a casual shirt. Simply, I'm a jigsaw puzzle waiting to be completed. Pieces of myself are tucked away in the hearts of those who love me. Perhaps, I'll always be nothing but a mystery.  Time will tell, as grandparents unfold their stories to grandchildren: "Once upon a time, before I grew up..."

He Sees Me

He sees me as I move.
Every bend
and extended limb.
Every motion. He knows
who I am through and through.
He reaches for my arm,
an instrument in hand.
These pale hands of mine move not.
His hands search my inner corners, my creases and folds.
My secrets and my truths. My dark and light.
His hands know this motion well.
Finally, eyes meet
and the artist has completed his
marble girl.

Spring Fever

Spring buds opening,
lonely winter's leaving.
Green crawls into eyes
as pairs wander blue skies.

Temperature rising. 
Feel fingers brushing.  
Blooming to a fever,
I'll be too eager.

Mind racing, hearts chasing
something blooming soon.
The rustling buds for spring
awakening.

My Mr.Darcy

     Two years ago, I was in love with a Mr. Darcy.  Thoughts of him consumed close to every inch of my mind. Anywhere I went, no matter who I was with or what I was doing, there were few times I could successfully draw my focus away from my "Fitzwilliam Darcy".  Everything pointed back to this mysterious and handsome individual in my life. I had my own idea of who he was. I pictured him as the ideal of what I thought my other half would be.  Regardless of the fact that I saw him practically every day, I never really got to know him well.  From what I knew, he was attractive, mysterious, smart, and, could make me laugh (which is a skill I appreciate).  He would be silent when I felt he should say something, though part of the time, looking back, it was an act of wisdom.  He also had his own way of doing things sometimes.  There are many occasions I would have called him "insufferable," but then he'd hold the door for me, or preform some flattering gesture, that showed a caring side to him.  Looking back, he was a Mr. Darcy to me.

Now what is the problem? Haven't most girls dreamed of knowing their own Mr. Darcy? Shouldn't I be thankful?

    Well, yes. To a point I am thankful, but not because he behaved like Mr. Darcy to me.  No, he never confessed his love to me, nor did we ever share a significant dance.  I was "in-love" with who I saw him as. He was Mr. Darcy to me. There was only one problem.

I am not, nor ever have been an "Elizabeth".

      Not many girls are, though. If you think, one out of five of the Bennet girls married a Mr. Darcy. If that statistic is applied to today's women, then there are many who will not marry their Mr. Darcy.  Regardless, my Darcy found an "Elizabeth" to pursue.  It was literally painful some days to watch him watch her from a distance, because it was obvious to me that he was in love, just not with me.  I knew I couldn't blame my Mr. Darcy for falling in love with his Elizabeth in any way. They deserve to be together and I wish the best for their relationship (though it has taken me a long time to be content saying so).
      I have come to decide it is within each person's unspoken rights to have the choice to not return the affections of an admirer without being called cruel names.
      I can't blame him for not finding me to be his other half and I can't call him a jerk (or any other term) for pursuing his Elizabeth. Oh, the rejection hurt on a deep level. It hurt me because I didn't feel worthy, I didn't feel important, and I certainly did not feel confident. I have always struggled with self-confidence and frequently fall into the repeating cyclone of self-pity.  For over a year, I fought with myself, my thoughts of him, and the feeling insignificance.  I was tired of it.

      Because of my Christian background and current faith, I searched bible verses for encouragement such as: James 4:8, Psalm 46, and Proverbs 3:5-6. All helped, momentarily, then I would retreat into my depression. One day, I was considering how God had worked His plan in an area of my life much better than I or anyone else I knew could, and I realized that I had not given this anguish I was feeling to The Almighty God (who made the rims of the universe to the tiniest detail within, by the way). So, I started praying that these desires I had for a romantic relationship with "Mr. Darcy" would disappear, that I would be content to be single, and that I would not contain any lingering angst in my heart toward my future marital relationship. It was not a sudden change in any portion, but slowly, I have discovered that I no longer am tied by the ropes of unrequited love.

      I have accepted that I was not the lady he was searching for, and, have become pleased for the lovely lady he did choose.
      He was my Mr. Darcy, but I am not Elizabeth. The process for accepting that he didn't "love" me back was long and hard. Even now I am left with waves of loneliness, but there is hope, for there will always be hope.  My hope is that God loves me no matter who decides not to.

      To all the non-Elizabeths out there: Don't give up hope, because you are loved with the deepest and most intricate love by The Creator.
       For now, I will stay content to be without emotional connection to my former "Mr. Darcy", focusing on self-growth and serving others.  One day, if The Lord wills, there will be a gentleman who loves me for not being an Elizabeth, but for being who I am meant to be.  I pray the same for all my female readers. Love ya!

Sandy Seas

From a writing club icebreaker today, this story was written through a collaboration of three people. Enjoy!

     It was a cloudy day and the sea was very full of energy. Sandy was standing on the edge of the tide, her long patch-work skirt flowing briskly behind her. "Thank goodness my hair is in a bun for this wind would turn it into a rat's nest for sure," she thought. She was very pensive on this gloomy day for she had just said goodbye to her Charles, and was now watching his boat sail away into the horizon.
     As she watched the boat sail away the tears puddled in her eyes and slowly slid down her cheeks. She wiped the tears away with quick strokes. She did not want to let people see her cry. She needed to be strong, strong for Charles, her family, and, herself. She lifted up her head and smiled shakily. She turned slowly and walked up the pathway away from the dock.

     She didn't want to see him go. She didn't know when she would see him again. If something happened... she couldn't think of it. She needed to go on with her life, as if she wasn't worried about what the future would hold.  She had to be strong, though the future could hold either delicious victory or unimaginable heartbreak. It seemed the latter was most likely.

What To Do on Valentines Day?

I know there are a lot of blogs about valentines day already, but I just want to add my own thoughts to the mix of advice for those who my feel like they're missing out on February 14th.

First of all, I must mention that there is nothing wrong with being single. It does not mean you are not loved, worth it, or even attractive, because you are all those things. Let's face it, cultural standards presented via media has greatly effected what we value. One day, those trends will go out of style (just look at past trends, you'll see).  One day that body may not be so fit, or those teeth so pristine, or hair so voluminous. The effects of age shows on all of us eventually, no matter how much we want it not too.

What is left, then?  Well, I say personality, passion, experiences, and your impact on the world will be what people can remember even when your hair hair turns white, your teeth fall out, or, your skin wrinkles, (and other things happen that are not found totally attractive in our culture...).

Even if you're spending Valentines day with a status that reads "Single", don't discourage because being in a dating relationship is NOT what determines your value. Self-pity is a harmful and repeating cycle, my friend.

So, here are 7 things you can do on Valentines day, especially if you're single:

1. Have a "Stupid-Cupid" attitude

This involves the "Netflix and chocolate" method of coping with a day for couples. While it is relaxing to nap and chill, it can very easily lead to self-pity (especially when your OTP gets together). I do not recommend this option.  

2. Admit your love to your crush

Unless you know for sure they feel the same way and/or know them well enough to do it in a way that does not seem obsessive, this is something to NOT do. While it may seem like a good idea in your mind, I recommend revealing your sentiments the day before, or the day after. But, if you MUST admit your undying admiration for the person always on your mind during this day dedicated to love, do so sweetly, lightly and sincere.

3. Spend time with friends

Getting together with one or more or the people you love can be a great way to lift your spirits. If you go bowling, see a movie, or enjoy one another's company over food, being with good friends is always entertaining.

4. Send silly pickup lines to your BFF

Just think of the fun you could have sending cheesy compliments to a friend who would find them just as funny as you do.

5. Do something you've always wanted to do

Because you don't have a "+1" to spend your day with, spend it doing something that you enjoy, but rarely take the time to do. Write that story you've been thinking about, send notes to friends, build that neat thing you found on Pinterest, reorganize your room etc. The list could be endless.

6. Don't hate on all those couples 

(Photo credit: Facebook.com/DrawingPencil, Ukrainian Artist Mikhail & Inessa Garmash) 

While it may be easy to wish you were in a relationship when you see a couple romantically gazing into each others eyes or holding hands as they walk down the path, don't be fooled. Being in a relationship is not all it seems from the outside. Plus, right now you're single and that is a good state to be in to grow into who you were made to be.

7. Embrace the day

It is just 24 hours. If you absoluetly dispise Valenines day, realize it will soon pass. If you feel left out because you don't have that special someone, focus on you and your own personal growth. If you really like Valentines, share that happiness with others. Just enjoy the time you have, and make the best of what you have, because you're awesome like that.

Happy Valentines day!

Blinded Love

I sat there hungry,

peeling a ripe orange.

Orange. Gash.

White.

Orange. Rip. 

White.

Focused on exposing

this sweet fruit.

Never once,

looking at the orange,

did I notice your

square look upon me.

Caring Heart

Nothing but a caring heart.

Put together with special care,

I must say it's true,

A tender moment I'd like to share.

My life: the loneliest.

And yet, comforting for all

Nothing but a caring heart.

Nothing but a caring heart.

And yet, comforting for all

My life: the loneliest.

A tender moment I'd like to share.

I must say it's true,

Put together with special care,

Nothing but a caring heart.

Lonely, in my space

By myself. Alone. 

Without a place.

Nothing but a caring heart.

(Yes, the first two stanzas are the same lines, but, one is the reverse of the other.)

Traveling The World

I travel the whole world
And stay in one spot
From the couch, I move not.
A book in my grasp,
And a story on my mind
I forget all the troubles 
I forget about the worries.
Because I travel the world.

Traveling the wide world
I hear legends of old,
And things which were foretold.
I know Ladies worth saving
And beauties who aren't.
Then I wonder, 
which one I would become 
('ere a choice had I)?

This is me, just me,Traveling the world.